Have you ever had a coaching session where you ask your client as the session ends, “did you get what you wanted out of our session today?” and the answer that comes back to you is not as you hoped?
Have you ever been in a leadership role where someone expressed disappointment and confusion with you?
And as a coach, or leader or person, what do you do when you hear that kind of feedback?
As people, the kinds of emotions that can be evoked when faced with disappointment and confusion can be difficult. As leaders and a coach, we have to learn not to respond emotionally instantaneously based on our feelings that come up for us. Yet we must accept, acknowledge and learn from them with both our mind and heart - our higher, wiser intelligence - so we can continue to support and lead.
To do this, take the time in your own life to analyze where your mind goes when you face failure, rejection, and confusion. Do you immediately start questioning, “Am I good enough? Am I wrong? Could I have done something better?” Or, do you have a habit pattern of going on the defensive?
The faster we learn from feedback and our emotional responses, the faster we will be able to get back to supporting and getting to the heart of the real issue.
When we get feedback which is uncomfortable, focus on being present with the other person. Often it is times like these when others need our support the most. We can connect with them and ask the discovery, inquiry questions to uncover what is happening within them at a deeper more insightful level.
And remember; It is a great thing when a coaching client is able to say, “you know what, I didn’t get what I wanted out of today’s session.” Or when someone under our leadership feels safe enough with us to approach us with their questions and their confusion. When this happens, we've created a trusting environment where people can share with us honestly what is coming up for them and we can take the coaching or working relationship to the next step by seeking further feedback. We can ask more questions as to why they feel or think the way they do and listen to their concerns, or gifts of feedback to us, or their blockages and limiting beliefs, and ultimately where we need to dig deeper and learn from ourselves.
Here are some questions you can ask to assist get to the heart of the issue:

• “Can we take a few minutes to really unpack this feeling or what’s coming up for you?”
• “If you could improve the session or this situation, what questions would you have had me ask or what would you have liked me to do?”
• “Are there other times when you have felt confused like this? Can we explore this more to support your goals and aspirations?”
This may open up a longer coaching session or meeting, but it can be done briefly and as something they can walk away with to think about: whether this is a pattern in their lives, or maybe it is a generalization. Perhaps this person has a typical response of being confused when new awareness is created. Is this a normal coping strategy they have developed in their lives?
When we ask these questions, it supports the person we are working with to experience in the moment what is coming up for them and allows them to go deep into their unconscious mind to uncover and create awareness about potential behavioural patterns or beliefs. And it can also support us as coaches and leaders to uncover our own patterns and beliefs.
And as the experts in change say, creating conscious awareness of what is happening and what is desired is 95% of the journey of change.
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