With every other puppy we have raised that was released from GDB, we were told exactly why that decision was made. When we were told that Patrick was going into another line of work, I wasn’t surprised, but I was curious to know what would be next for him. When we had our house check by one of their trainers before we got Patrick, we were told that the majority of the dogs in their program that don’t make it as guides go on to do other things. I completely understood this and I was fine with Patrick doing other things if that was what was best for him. After all, that is what is most important to me: that the decisions made for the puppies I raise are made in their best interest. But nothing was said about what they thought was best for Patrick, just that he was released and going into another line of work.
More news that I was not prepared to hear was that we wouldn’t know where he went or what type of work he would be doing. The person or organization he was sent to wanted to remain anonymous. This was very difficult to handle. We had never been made aware of this as a possibility, not before we got Patrick, during his raising, or after his turn-in. If this was explained to us in the meetings we had with GDD before we brought Patrick into our lives, I might not have made the decision to raise for them. I was not mentally prepared for this at all. I feel like he is lost. He could be anywhere now.
I know where every other puppy I have raised has ended up. Some of those dogs I still have a relationship with and get to see at times, and some I have not seen since I turned them in for formal training. I am at peace with this because I know exactly who they ended up with and what they are doing. I have closure.
“People say that what I do as a puppy raiser is a very selfless act, but I don’t do it just to give back. I get so much in return for doing it.”
With Patrick, I have no closure, and I am still struggling to move on in my life. I feel like we have let down everyone who followed us with him. We brought many people along on our journey and they too fell in love with him, just like us. They too want to know what happened with him. Without closure, we have failed as story tellers. Frankly, we are not only hurt by this but embarrassed as well—we should have done better. We should have had some sort of contract in place to guarantee that we had closure to our story, but we were just too trusting.
I have fostered so many animals over the last 18 years that I have lost count. I have loved each and every one of them, and have cried tears of sadness when each one of them have left our home and moved on from my care. But I know that because I let them go, a spot in my home opened up for the next animal in need. As far as the puppies in training go, I am just a stepping stone for them. Yes, my heart breaks when they leave, but I know that they are destined for someone else and my heart heals quickly once I know what happens with them and have that closure.
My heart is still very broken after Patrick leaving us, and at this point I’m not sure it will ever fully heal. I struggled with what happened so much that I was considering giving up being a puppy raiser. I just couldn’t go through it again. When we first got the news, I struggled to focus at work, struggled to sleep. I was a mess and just felt lost.
People say that what I do as a puppy raiser is a very selfless act, but I don’t do it just to give back. I get so much in return for doing it. I get to have a new puppy in my life almost every year—yes, I have a puppy addiction and this is the healthiest way to feed it. I love that I have made and continue to make so many great connections with other people. And nothing can take the place of the way that I feel when I see the bond between a puppy I have raised and their forever person, whether as a service dog or as a beloved pet. The fact that I helped create that relationship makes my heart whole. Sharing stories with the people who have my dogs is and will always be one one the biggest rewards of puppy raising for me.
With Patrick, for the first time ever I feel like I have lost a puppy. He has just disappeared to me. There is no happy ending, no seeing that bond between him and whoever he ended up with, no potential of a new relationship, and no shared stories to be told. For the first time ever, I was asking, “Why am I doing this to myself?” For the first time ever, I didn’t want to raise again. I had lost a part of who I was and just felt broken.
I thought long and hard about this, and forced myself to try and move on and raise again. I decided to go back to GDB and ask to raise an older transfer dog, a short-term commitment to test the waters again. Because I had always had a good experience and closure with the puppies I raised for them, it seemed like the best idea for me. We understood that this new puppy could not be filmed or be part of any GUGP project. That wasn’t important to me at the time. This puppy had a bigger purpose than to be followed closely on social media. This puppy was to help me decide if I still had it in me to be a puppy raiser.
Raising for GDB again was like going home for a visit after you move out of the house. Cozy and familiar, but not quite the same as when you lived there before you moved out. I was warmly welcomed back by everyone and I was very happy to be back and have the support of the puppy raising group. I am forever grateful for the support I received, but for some reason (the fault of no one but me) I still felt like I didn’t fully belong anymore.
Arturo was a very sweet, goofy, lovable black Lab placed with us for a few months, and it was a huge help having him. I feel like Arturo was a “rebound” dog, just like when you have a bad breakup and you need a rebound guy to help you move on. Arturo was a very helpful stepping stone and I will always be thankful for having the opportunity to be part of his life. He was a really good dog and I made sure he got lots of love and attention, but I do admit that I had my guard up and didn’t let myself fall in love with him like previous puppies.
As much as I wanted Arturo to help make me whole again, he didn’t. To my surprise, it was three abandoned puppies that helped me move on. Bernard, Bianca, and Penny changed my life for the better. I couldn’t help but fall madly in love with them. Their loving personalities and their innocence forced me to let my guard down and I started feeling like myself again. I feel like they were meant to come into my life when they did. Being pulled away from their mother and abandoned at three weeks of age, they needed me. But it took me a few weeks to realize how much I needed them. They distracted me from my heartache and depression caused by losing Patrick and they gave me a new focus. They had so much love to give and such great temperaments that I had felt compelled to see if I could help turn them into service dogs. At the time, I was very unsure if I could actually pull this off, but I was determined to try.
“Every event in life is a lesson, and I have learned a lot over the last year.”
I was not in a hurry to let the puppies go, especially because my heart was still in such a fragile state. But once I found Brigadoon Service Dogs, I started to get excited about the future for the puppies. Matt and I were warmly welcomed when we dropped the puppies off with them and we both felt very comfortable with handing over our beloved puppies to them. We weren’t planning on raising again just yet, but when we saw that the organization was in need of raisers and we were given the opportunity to pick one of the puppies to raise, we had a very hard time saying no. Sometimes opportunities come into your life when you aren’t fully ready for them, but they are right for you.
Penny has been my puppy angel, and working with her and Brigadoon has been helping me more than I can say. I am slowly healing and feeling more and more like myself again. I am not as lost as I once was. After raising our first puppy, I have always felt that I was meant to be a puppy raiser. Penny has shown me that it is still a big part of who I am. A new puppy cannot replace another; it simply takes a different piece of the heart and makes the heart bigger. I will be forever thankful to these three puppies and Brigadoon for showing me that it is okay to love and let go again.
Every event in life is a lesson, and I have learned a lot over the last year. I have learned that thing I love doing the most, can also hurt me the most. I wanted to share my experience not to make people decide against puppy raising for fear of getting hurt, but to help others realize the importance of choosing an organization to raise for that is right for them. Every organization is different and so are people. Just because GDD wasn’t a fit for me, doesn’t mean that they are not a good organization to raise for. I have met many raisers that have had great experiences raising for them. Same goes for GDB—I have always had great experiences raising for them but I know some raisers that didn’t necessarily have that same good experience. Everyone is different and will experience things differently.
I still want to promote puppy raising and encourage others to do it, even though I have been through some tough times. It is still a very rewarding experience and I hope that I haven’t discouraged anyone from doing it. The best advice I can give after everything that I have been through is to make sure the organization you raise for fits your needs and ideals.
Think about it and ask the questions about what is important to you before you bring home a puppy. This may be different for each person. For some it may be about the type of training methods the organization uses, what the organization helps pay for, whether you can have a relationship with the recipient of your puppy, if you must attend puppy meetings, and so on. These are just some questions to think about.
For myself, I now understand that the most important thing for me is to know where my puppy ends up. This is now a new goal of mine: to figure out a way to help people find the right organization for them to raise for. I would love to see new puppy raisers finding an organization that fits their beliefs and needs, and having such a great experience raising a puppy that they want to do it over and over again. There are so many organizations in need of puppy raisers that there is a good match out there for everyone who is interested.
As for me, I think that I may forever be scarred by losing Patrick, I still have days when I really struggle with not knowing what really happened with him. On the outside, most won’t ever really see how much I have really been affected by this, but it is always there. I try to put on a brave smile for people when I’m around them but the tears still come when I’m alone and thoughts of Patrick pop into my head. Where is he? Is he okay? Does he have a comfy bed to sleep in at night? Is someone playing frisbee with him? Is he happy? Does he feel loved? Some days I feel like a big baby for feeling this way and I just need to get over it. Other days I think that I’m really not asking for much to know the answers to these questions.
Hopefully this has shed some light on why it has taken so long to finish Patrick’s episodes and reveal what we know about Patrick. It has been very hard to go through this with so many people following and knowing that we let those people down. I am hoping that sharing my feelings in this blog will not only help with my healing process and also help others make choices that will prevent them from ever repeating my experience.
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