We have taken a few scent work classes recently and have learned the fundamentals of teaching a dog a specific scent. So if I can figure out what Pixie might be picking up on, I can figure out how to teach her an alert and help me better predict when I may be having symptoms arise and how they may affect my day and make the appropriate adjustments on a worse day. I think I may need to make adjustments before I overdo it. Then I could find time to recoup. I seem to only have so much battery power and some days that power runs out sooner than expected.
I really have no way of knowing if my symptoms will stay the same, change in severity day to day, or if I will develop more symptoms. I did have a good laugh one night at work with my coworkers when I misjudged a turn into a doorway and completely missed and turned right into the wall. My coworkers said that I need to walk with Pixie more often so she can keep me safe. Usually I catch myself before running into anything when I turn too quickly and feel off balance.
My days off from work seem to be recoup days. I can easily spend an entire day in bed and still feel tired. While there are times that I have felt that Pixie has helped, she is still very young and learning. It is a bit of a double edge sword at the moment. Some days she is on point and helpful, other days she struggles and it is more exhausting to have her with me. If every day was a day that she rocked it, I can totally see her making an impact in helping me conserve energy for being able to do more in a day. But she is still a work in progress. I can’t expect her to magically be perfect all the time without putting in the work. Unfortunately Pixie’s training has slowed down a lot because of my lack of energy. If she is to officially become a service dog, it may take her a little longer to get to that level. She still has some issues to work through and skills to gain, but I still feel with some time she can get there. Progress is not really her fault since she is not training every single day. She has gained so much confidence lately that she rarely barks at things like she used to. She is slowly but surely gaining self control when she sees birds, small animals, and kids playing. I feel like if she was training every single day to work through the things that are a challenge for her we would be further along. But the important thing is that she is still improving and trying her best.
I do think Pixie has what it takes to be a service dog. She just needs to get past her only big hiccup which is her alert barking at other dogs. If I can get her past that, I think she can totally do this. Some trainers that we have taken classes with have said that her bark is most likely a fear bark. As a young puppy Pixie was very fearful of many things. She has overcome most of her fears with very little work. She has just needed time and to be able to move at her own pace. I am hoping with some more time and maturity she will continue to gain the confidence she needs to not alert bark at other dogs.
There are times that we are out running errands and she just knows what I need from her. The amount of pull she gives is perfect and sometimes I think she can read my mind. Once a week we take public transit to work and it takes us 2.5 hours to do the trip. Pixie knows the route and is a total pro at riding the Bay Area version of a subway (a good portion of it is above ground) and the train. I don’t even have to really give her any directions anymore since we have done it so many times. The other day we went to a grocery store to grab something real quick. It is a location that she has never been to before. There were 3 different doors to enter and she somehow knew exactly where I wanted to go, and without any guidance from me. She just took me to the door that I wanted to enter. When Pixie is “on” I can relax and not have to concentrate on where I am going or what I am doing as much. I don’t know how she knows, but somehow she knows where we need to go. I can’t really explain it into words on how this helps me, but it does. It seems like some days I have to concentrate so much harder to get through normal tasks and that too, can add to the mental exhaustion. This is something that she has just naturally picked up. Sometimes I just need to tell her simply right or left and if she could talk she would say, “ok, got it.”
Making a decision as to where Pixie ends up now is more than just a decision about her, it is making decisions about myself as well. Can I justify keeping her for myself? I know my disease is impacting my life, but I am still able to do most things. Is there a difference between having a disability and being disabled? Do I really NEED Pixie? I am not dependent on her, but yet I do think she might possibly be able to make a positive difference in my life. This is where I am struggling most about a decision. Can I justify needing and using a service dog for myself? Yes, I have had to make adjustments in my life, but I am still very functional. I have always said to myself, if I was ever in an accident that would cause me to be disabled that I would totally want to have a service dog. But I never really considered an illness would affect me enough to require one. She can’t exactly help me much at my job because of the nature of the work, but in other aspects of my life she can. Then I question myself about her being a “part time” service dog because there are times that I will have to leave her at home while I work because she can not always be with me for certain jobs. Will people judge me because she isn’t always with me? But then I think of other people I know who don’t always need to use their “medical equipment” like wheelchairs, or walkers all the time either.
I have needed to make some adjustments at work to help get through shifts. If I am to assist with a long surgery, I know that I will need to sit instead of stand during the procedure. I noticed during a recent surgery that I was monitoring that I was not only focused on my patient, but very focused on the amount that I was swaying too. I have to be very careful not to touch anything that is sterile in the room and if I sway just a little too much, I can touch something I shouldn’t. I was very mentally exhausted after that surgery and that made me realize that there will be times that I will have to say that I need someone else to go into surgery to monitor instead. During downtime at the clinic I tend to sit more and find projects that I can do that are not as physical as well. I do work with some great people and they have all been very understanding that some days I have limitations on what I can do now.
I honestly would never have even considered keeping Pixie if it had not been for us doing our Invisible Disabilities episode when we were raising Patrick. While interviewing service dog users for that episode I learned so much about the different uses people had for their service dogs. I never fully understood momentum pull and the reason for using it until those interviews. Without learning from people who were gracious enough to allow us into their lives to interview them, I would never have known ways that Pixie could potentially help me. I am forever thankful to all the people involved in making that episode happen. You never know when you will benefit from experiences in your life.
Although I am still coming to terms with the changes in my life I think I am going to hang on to Pixie for a little bit and really see what help she can provide. I know that many people have been getting curious about where Pixie is going to end up. Recently we have been working on the momentum pull. At times she pulls at just the right amount. It really feels good on my body. I am also teaching her to stand still next to me. Her harness has a light balance handle on it and when I’m out shopping and/or standing in line waiting or standing around having conversations with friends, I have something to hold onto that helps with decreasing the swaying (I don’t need much to feel more comfortable), hopefully that will help some with my shifting feet and make me feel more comfortable.
There have been a few gatherings recently where everyone is standing around talking. I want to join in, but I also want to sit. When I sit, usually the chair is slightly away from the group and I’m no longer a part of it. I don’t want people thinking that I’m antisocial or forcing people to cater to my needs. But then there is a part of me that thinks this isn’t enough of a need for a service dog. Again, I can still do most things, but I have needed to make some life adjustments.
Matt has also made life adjustments to make my life easier. Matt picked up duties that I am too tired to do. He is the one to get up to potty and feed the dogs, as well as get them ready for bed. He makes sure they get long walks when I can only take them for short ones. I am not nearly as active as I once was, and I tire must faster than I used to. I am also not as agile as I once was. Being a shorter person I have spent my life climbing on stools, counter tops, and shelves to reach things. But more and more I find myself thinking…”yeah, maybe this isn’t such a good idea to stand on this”. Together Matt and I are navigating the life changes, but even he has seen Pixie when she is in the moment and being helpful. Even many of my coworkers have said “yea, we all knew you were keeping Pixie, even when you said that you weren’t”. I guess our bond is very recognizable.
But time will only tell how Pixie develops. Time will also tell how I change or how I don’t change. Based on the information I have gotten from others with this condition it looks like there is no quick fix and it is a bit of a roller coaster ride. It may take a few years to shrink the tumor, or it may take multiple years. The tumor may shrink and I can go off medication completely, or the tumor can come back and require me to go back on medication or stay the same. My symptoms may get better, may get worse, or stay the same. One day can and will mostly likely be different than the day before and the next day after. Even having it surgically removed is a possibility, but that can have major complications and have a high rate of return.
My condition is not life threatening, but it has been life altering. Each day I am learning more about my illness, what to expect, and how to handle it. I’m still trying to figure out if I can predict a pattern to what will cause me to be more tired physically or mentally tired, so I can better plan my activities. I know the more tired I get, the worse my symptoms get. Chances are there will not be a pattern, hormone levels change day by day, hour by hour. I might be feeling different now, and I get frustrated that I can’t do as much as I used to, or struggle to get the words I want to say out of my mouth at times, but I will not let my illness define me or keep me from trying to achieve my dreams. I believe things happen for a reason and there was a reason Pixie stayed to be raised by us. Service dog users are often told to trust their dog. Part of me is trusting the dog, she seems to be trying to tell me something and that she wants to help. So Pixie, let’s take this experiment to the next level and see where we end up. This may be the beginning of a team that no one saw coming, not even me.
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